He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
