I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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