I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
