This is not my ceiling
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
