I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
