his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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