Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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