now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
