watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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