i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
