His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
