I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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