she is the kim kardashian of front butts
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Randomize
