she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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