Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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