Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
