those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
