He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
