I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
