I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
All the doctor said was why
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
