I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
