She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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