my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
