But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
