im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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