Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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