I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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