please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
