I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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