after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
