the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize