Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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