at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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