We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
