Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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