take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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