i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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