Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
