Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
