Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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