matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
