I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
