So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
