I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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