You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it penis luge time yet?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
