I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
