....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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