dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
