If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
