dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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