you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
