God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
