One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize