we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
