Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
