I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
