I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
