She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
