Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i now understand why vodka
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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