I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
