would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
