The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
